


when you fall, i fall too

by mindlesswriting



Category: EVERGLOW (Band)
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Proceed with caution, how does one tag fics, this got dark really quick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:53:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23199706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mindlesswriting/pseuds/mindlesswriting
Summary: after everglow’s second comeback, something is very wrong with eunji.
Relationships: Han Eunji | Mia/Park Jiwon | E:U
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34





	when you fall, i fall too

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is my first fanfic and i decided to go for a darker theme. this piece is set after dundun mv release and is purely fictional; i also used their real names instead of their stage names.
> 
> tw: self-harm, not graphic but please proceed with caution. if you want a summary instead please ask!!

in the days after their comeback, they practice.

they practice to commit the dances to memory. they execute the dances flawlessly, and in their spare time read the comments on dun dun’s music video.

sihyeon notices that the tension this comeback wasn’t as high as with hush. perhaps, they have learnt how taxing a comeback was, and mentally prepared for it. but the other option was equally as likely, that they learn how to hide their emotions so well. and sihyeon is disappointed, because she doesn’t want to believe the latter is true, but she knows it is. of course it is.

their views reach 60 million. their comments hit 12 thousand. and yet, as they retreat back into everglow’s dorms after another long day in the practice room, they begin to grow distant from each other. you trust no one fully, even in the industry where teamwork and chemistry is key to your success.

eunji is the first to notice when serim doesn’t bid her good night before falling asleep. she chalks it down to tiredness and stress of yet another comeback, doesn’t think too much of it. but why would she?

all the same, she feels a sense of disappointment and loss. after she’s sure serim has drifted off, she quietly whispers “good night”, before slipping out of the room. she’d have more things on her mind than just serim. hell, even her usual habit of thinking of positive thoughts (read: jiwon) before going to bed wasn’t there that day. she’d much rather dwell on what some forevers thought of her.

at the end of it, eunji is strong. has to be, to survive this long in a group. but what she understood from that was that to be strong, you had to be numb. you had to push aside everything, have another outlet just so that you can cope. she carefully wipes her mind of all emotion, of her racing heart as she steps into the bathroom. if yuehua found out about it, it could potentially be hell. but she doesn’t think of yuehua, or everglow, _she can’t because it hurts too much._

when she ran her arm under cold water, she didn’t think of the possible consequences, or jiwon, or serim getting distant. when she returned back to her room, there was only a quiet peace.

peace that eunji could never obtain elsewhere.

* * *

eunji doesn’t panic the next morning when she dresses in a green hoodie and track pants to go to practice. knowing the members intrinsically means that she could get away with anything she wanted to.

she doesn’t speak to serim on her way out of the dorm. she remains silent. in some irrational part of her, she understands that the wall has been put up with the new comeback. and likely, eunji wouldn’t get the old serim back. she sighs.

the only small comfort that eunji has is when jiwon moves over to sit right next to her during a break. while usually she shies away from intimate or physical touches, today she craves the warmth of the oldest. jiwon, sensing her longing, leans against eunji and draws her close. understands, even. knows that while she herself isn’t at her best, her members come first, because that is what a leader is supposed to do no matter what.

jiwon longs for intimacy. she’s affectionate when she gets the chance to, trying to get close to all the members. she has close friendships with all of everglow’s members, including yoorim, a perhaps more introverted one. but eunji is different. eunji is special. when she looks at eunji everything falls into place, and her center is aligned once again.

she is, admittedly, in love with her.

when jiwon cuddles her, watches as she goes stiff before relaxing, she transmits her feelings to eunji. that she hugs eunji differently from how she would hug sihyeon or yoorim, something more personal and deep rooted. when she hugs eunji, she passes part of her heart over. in that space of the practice room, she gives her heartfelt confession.

by the looks of it, eunji is unprepared for this situation. she’d never had someone declare their love for her before, especially not at this time, not after this comeback. she’s numb, but some part of it goes away with jiwon’s confession. so eunji decides to do the same. she’s happy that she knows at least one person loves and cares for her.

as eunji fumbles with the whisper of “i love you”, jiwon smiles the brightest she has ever since the comeback.

eunji, on the other hand, is dimly aware serim is watching. serim. she’d become distant from her, choosing to hang out with sihyeon instead. the numbness returns back to her as quickly as the impulsive decision to confess to jiwon had come. her face is carefully blank of negative emotion when she turns to face jiwon, the lingering pain and numbness concealed under a seemingly cold facade.

“so, what does that make us?” eunji tilts her head, forcibly putting on a half smile.

“together, i guess.”

* * *

as days go by, eunji spends almost all her spare time with jiwon. during breaks in practice, she’d go over to jiwon to check up on her, making sure that she’s not too stressed. they sit together while eating their portion controlled food that always comes with a comeback. in return, jiwon makes eunji feel something other than that numbness she carries. but eunji won’t stop, _can’t stop_ , because as much as she loves jiwon her heart is still heavy.

that every time she steps out of her room, gets hugs from jiwon, eunji tries not to flinch at her touch. it is not just physical intimacy that embarrasses her now, it is something far deeper and darker than jiwon can ever imagine.

eunji is not ready to share her secret with jiwon. when she does she wants it to be on her own terms. jiwon isn’t unobservant, she knows that eunji is hiding something. as a leader she does understand that if her members need her own space, she should give it to them. and so she allows eunji to harbour that secret.

some part of her wants eunji to confide in her. since they’re together, they should be comfortable sharing secrets with each other. but every time jiwon tries to broach the subject, eunji’s face is blank with emotion. and the cold voice returns.

“i don’t want to talk about it right now.”

secretly, jiwon is scared of that cold voice that eunji has, scared that eunji will push her away, that eunji doesn’t love her anymore. so she doesn’t push. but she is worried for eunji too, so she goes to sihyeon for advice.

serim doesn’t know why eunji is avoiding her. truth be told, she admits it’s partially her fault, when eunji got the dance break she couldn't help but become somewhat distant. even jealous perhaps. she talks more to sihyeon, partially because sihyeon is a good person to talk to, but she’s also practical. if you need a friend, sihyeon could be that. and serim somehow understands that eunji cannot provide the same amount of comfort now.

serim goes to talk to jiwon. “is eunji okay? she seems off…” and what jiwon reads between the lines is a lifetime of regret. that somehow, serim and eunji drifted and serim regrets it. jiwon sees the worry and pain on the younger’s face, because serim was never good at disguising emotions, not like the way eunji and yiren does. jiwon wishes that she had something to tell serim.

she shakes her head. “she’s not telling me either, i guess we’ll find out when she wants to tell us. do take care of yourself and eunji too though.” serim doesn’t say anything, just walks away. she’s disappointed. but she’s also lonely. ever since jiwon and eunji got together, eunji started sleeping with jiwon, and her bed is cold.

eunji is secretly relieved that her costumes are often long sleeved. but when it isn’t, she spends half an hour in the bathroom trying to cover it up. she knows it’s not good for her but she can’t help it, not when being numb is better than being hurt by the people whom she thought loved her.

she grows quieter. she doesn’t talk as much when they’re live, trying to give the other members an opportunity to shine as well. she hopes it would be enough to satisfy the viewers, that perhaps, if they see more of the other members, they’d gradually forget about how they disliked her role in the comeback.

but then again, nothing’s ever built to last.

* * *

it happens when yuehua decides to give them a treat. eunji lags behind, watching the other members as they’re happy about it. she wishes that she could again be like them, carefree and happy. yiren notices eunji, and forcefully drags her by her arm to the table.

by then, eunji has already learnt to stop flinching whenever someone touches her, or gently embraces her. but with the force of yiren pulling her, she can’t help but wince in pain. her arm feels like it’s on fire, subtly reminding her of when she danced on a sprained ankle their first comeback. she instructs herself to smile at yiren before crowding around the table with the rest of them.

yiren knows something’s wrong with eunji when she flinches at her touch. but at the same time, yiren cannot break character so she only lets the happiness and excitement show through. she lightens her touch (or so she hopes), and prays eunji would be okay. she has to be okay.

jiwon doesn’t notice, though. she’s deep in conversation with sihyeon and serim. she was oblivious to yiren’s normally calm state tainted with worry, and she was oblivious when her girlfriend’s white shirt slowly stained.

“i’m fine, don’t worry.” eunji tries to reassure yiren as she casts a look of worry in her direction. but eunji’s emotionless facade slowly starts to crack as a wave of panic rises. yiren picks up on it, but she doesn’t say anything about it, can’t say anything about it because she’s scared of eunji too. so all yiren can do is to nod doubtfully as she goes over to speak to yoorim. strategic, too, since yoorim’s back faces eunji, so yiren can watch out for her.

it’s difficult and to be left alone while the rest of the members engage in conversation, but eunji uses that as an opportunity to observe her surroundings, while discreetly noticing that her left sleeve was slowly beginning to stain red. it’s painful, too, but eunji knows how to hide the pain better than anyone. so she silently excuses herself to go to the bathroom, already slightly dizzy. she doesn’t trust that she can get there by herself, but she does it anyway.

as soon as eunji stumbles into the bathroom, she mutters a “what the hell” when she realises her condition was worse than she thought. the last thing she was aware of before collapsing was yiren running in.

yiren knew something was up with eunji when she left the room. she seemed really off, and yiren had a bad feeling that something was about to go very wrong. “yoorim, could you inform jiwon to come to the bathroom as soon as you pull her away from sihyeon and serim? i think something’s very wrong with eunji.” because yiren knew that the only place where eunji would go to cover up is there. because eunji wouldn’t go to a medical center, she’s too stubborn for that.

at yoorim’s nod, yiren turns and sprints. it would have been bad enough if she went in and saw eunji already passed out on the pristine floor, but no, she had to come in at the exact time that eunji falls.

she’d seen violence before, but not like this, not self-inflicted. but she did know to remain calm as she gently rolled up eunji’s sleeve, getting paper towels and applying pressure to the wounds. distantly, she’s aware of four pairs of feet running to where she’s at. jiwon and serim, light steps but fast; yoorim and sihyeon, heavy steps from panic.

as they burst in, the first thing jiwon sees is eunji’s shallow breathing. at least yiren spared her that, the agony of having to look at eunji’s wounds. but because she cares so deeply for eunji, she knows that eunji wouldn’t want others to help unless absolutely necessary. so she steps up like the leader she is, and orders the members around.

it was partially guilt too, for not having noticed eunji’s condition. but in about five seconds, she places yoorim and serim on the door to bar their managers from coming in, while sihyeon goes to get a first aid kit. it’s then that jiwon sinks down against the wall, quietly crying because _why did eunji do this why did she not notice_ and now eunji has passed out.

serim stares at jiwon sympathetically. “it’s not your fault. you couldn’t have stopped this.” but jiwon, the master of reading between the lines, understands her loud and clear.

_we all failed her._

two hours later, eunji slowly stirs. she notes that her arm is tightly wrapped in a bandage, and she is on the couch of her dorm. how they managed to get her there, she didn’t know, but she wouldn’t question, not in such a state. she tries to sit up, but falls back down.

that’s when she realises that jiwon is staring down at her, her makeup partially ruined. eunji shifts over to let jiwon bury herself in her chest, trailing her thumb down jiwon’s back. “i’m sorry i caused you to worry…”

she’s surprised when jiwon looks up at her fiercely. “don’t you ever dare do this again.” and the members come over to hug her tightly before retreating into their rooms to give eunji and jiwon privacy. because after all, their relationship comes first.

and so they talked for three hours. about eunji’s sadness, about what she’s done and what they’d do afterwards, and jiwon laid eunji down on her bed after a week and four days of not having slept in it, leaving eunji to sleep, pressing her lips gently to the sleeping one. she walks out to the rest of the members, discussing what to do next.

about two weeks later, eunji comes out wearing short sleeves, scars fully healed. she smiles — a real one this time — at jiwon hopefully.

“we’re okay now.”

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed.


End file.
